Something that I try to be aware of in myself is when I am being critical or judging. I try to notice what’s happening in my body. I’m always trying to pull my attention away from what I’m being critical about to my underlying feelings, which are usually some sort of sadness, fear, sense of outrage, etc. You see, when we are critical, we are usually angry, and anger is a what we call a “secondary emotion”. Our work as adults is to continuously try to get underneath to our underlying primary feelings. Essentially, we take the focus away from the other people or other things that we are being critical and judging about and we bring it back to self. We are asking ourselves deeper questions about what the meaning is versus just intensifying our anger which hurts our body and just adds to negativity overall. Essentially, we are trying to get to “know” this anger better, and when we do this, we lower our blood pressure, heart rate, and have less stress overall.
By the way, there are many times where you have an absolute right to be critical, as something terrible could’ve been said to you, done to you or to others , and it creates an enormous reaction in your body. When we love others and we see terrible things happening to them, it can create a hurricane in our body.
I notice when there is criticism or judging, there’s also intensity. We need to become better skilled at seeing in our own body or those you’re having a conversation with, this intensity, and pause when it’s rising, as it overshadows our connection with the other person. Essentially, in healthy relationships, we should be able to have disagreements, even, ethical and/or moral disagreements, and still come back to center, and connect around what we love about that person, and what their meaning is to us in our life. Of course, there are some ethical/moral dilemmas that we can’t get past, and those are very painful indeed. How will you handle this in your relationships? Will you criticize, scream, and denigrate the other(s)? How can you speak your truth in a healthy way even though you feel completely differently than your partner or friend? If we have to hide our true thoughts and feelings, is this a healthy relationship? Can you make space for differences? Know your limits, check-in with your body and put in boundaries that you may need in mindful, not reactive ways.
This blog is not saying that you do not have a right to object, to have a voice, or to be outraged about injustice, it’s about how each person deals with that that I am trying to highlight. Can we continue to use compassion, even if we are outraged ( this is very hard to do!). Who were some of our role models who used compassion to stay connected through conflict? Can we make healthy decisions that are right for us in regard to relationships and do it in a way that we feel proud of, even though it hurts? If we need to pause or end a relationship, can we do it mindfully and consciously?
How can we listen, learn and connect with each other, and most importantly, validate other’s stories, concerns, and choices? If you disagree with the stance of your partner, family or friends, are they now bad people? This polarity can be divisive just at a time that we need connection and discussion.
I believe wholeheartedly that through the use of compassion and connection and trying to stay other open to other points of view without being harsh and critical, that we can learn more about each other‘s points of view, even if it’s extremely painful to do so. It can take a lifetime to diminish judgement and criticism, especially if it existed in your family of origin.
Here is an awesome resource to practice non-judgement and letting go of criticism: Brene Brown’s, Rising Strong as Spiritual Practice on free app Hoopla, just put your library card number in: https://www.hoopladigital.com/title/12141108
Welcome to a New Way to Communicate! 