I work with many clients, where one or both members of the couple have gone outside of the relationship; these couples are often very traumatized when they first come in. In general, the person who had the affair generally wants it in the rear view mirror and just wants to move on. Or, in some cases, the person who had the affair is having difficulty letting the affair partner go, either emotionally and/or physically. The initial stages after an affair are critical, as both members of the couple are in an escalated mode, where they quite often may be driving distracted, not sleeping well, and are feeling intensely painful emotions. One of the most frustrating things for someone whose partner has gone outside of the relationship, is to hear the person who had the affair say that they don’t remember details and/or don’t know why they had the affair, partially this is because while they were having the affair, they were almost in an alternate reality, they were in a compartmentalized state, were they weren’t fully open to their feelings, thus not being fully aware of why they were doing what they were doing.
Michelle Weiner-Davis, author and couples therapist wrote a piece on her blog that caught my eye. I wanted to share part of it with you.
1-Infidelity is not a marital deal breaker
Many people think that affairs signal the end of a marriage. This is simply not true. Although healing from infidelity is a challenging endeavor, most marriages not only survive, but they can actually grow from the experience. This is not to say that affairs are good for marriages, they aren’t. Affairs are very, very destructive because the bond of trust has been broken. But after years of working with couples that have experienced betrayal and affairs, I can vouch for the fact that it is possible to get marriages back on track and rediscover trust, caring, friendship and passion.
2.Most affairs end
It’s important to know that, while affairs can be incredibly sexy, compelling, addictive and renewing, most of them end. That’s because after the thrill wears off, most people recognize that everyone, even the affair partner is a package deal. This means that we all have good points and bad points. When two people are in the throes of infatuation, they are only focusing on what’s good. This is short-lived, generally speaking. That’s because reality sets in and infatuation fades. If the betrayed spouse doesn’t run to a divorce attorney prematurely, it’s entirely possible and even likely that an affair will die a natural death
- Temporary insanity—the only sane response
Because betrayal is so threatening to marriage and so devastating, many people feel they are losing their minds when they learn that their spouses have been cheating. They can’t eat, sleep, work, think, or function in any substantial way. This causes another layer of concern and self-doubt, which often leads to depression and anxiety.
It is important to know that finding out that one’s spouse is cheating can be extremely traumatic. In fact, currently research suggests that betrayed spouses exhibit symptoms similar to Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. It is a major loss and as with most losses, betrayal is intensely disorienting and distressing.
- You are not alone
Although when infidelity occurs, the betrayed spouse feels alone and lonely, it is essential to keep in mind that countless people have experienced the same problem and have felt the same way. This offers little consolation when one first learns about his or her spouse’s affair, but over time, it can take the sting out of feeling so out of sorts. It would be wonderful if everyone upheld his or her marital vows, but the truth is, that doesn’t happen. It should, but it doesn’t. The good news is that there is a great deal of support available because many people have walked in your shoes and can be empathetic to your feelings.
- It helps to get help
But beyond talking with those who have experienced infidelity in their own marriages, it helps to get professional help. Feelings that surface after the discovery of an affair are often so overwhelming that it is difficult to know what to do to begin to get one’s marriage back on track. A good marriage therapist or a marriage education class can help lead the way. But be certain to seek help that is “marriage-friendly.” Some therapists believe that infidelity destroys the fabric of a relationship, which cannot be repaired. These therapists declare marriages dead on arrival. It is essential that you get a good referral if you want your marriage to recover. Read about choosing a good marital therapist.
- Healing takes time
Although people naturally want to be pain-free as quickly as possible, when it comes to healing from infidelity, it just isn’t going to happen. In fact, if things are “business as usual” too quickly, it probably just means that intense feelings have been swept under the carpet. This will not help in the long run. In order for a marriage to mend, it takes a great deal of hard work to confront all the necessary issues. This takes time—often years—to truly get things back on track. When couples enter my office and they’ve been dealing with the aftermath of infidelity for a year or so and they are still struggling, they think something is wrong with them. When I hear that, I tell them that nothing is wrong with them because pain is still fresh and the news of infidelity is hot off the press. Yes, even a year after learning about betrayal isn’t a very long time. Healing from infidelity is a slow process for most people.
- Count on ups and downs
One of the most frustrating and confusing aspects to the healing process is the fact that just when people think things have improved and are resolved, there is another major setback. This is not surprising at all. That’s because the path to recovery is not a straight line. It is jagged and beset with many, many ups and downs. I tell people that it is two steps forward and one step back. Unfortunately, when people have a setback, they believe that they have slid back to square one. This is not the case. Every setback is a bit different. And as long as there is a general upward trend, progress is being made. Maintaining patience is difficult, but it is absolutely necessary. Don’t give up when there has been a relapse. Just get back on track.
- Don’t be quick to tell friends and family
It is important not to be too quick to tell friends and family about the problem of infidelity. If everyone in one’s family is apprised of the infidelity, even if the marriage improves, family members may not support the idea of staying in the marriage. They may pressure the betrayed spouse to leave. So, while emotional support during this rough time is absolutely necessary, it’s important to get professional help or talk to friends and family who will support the marriage and be less judgmental. Those people should have the perspective that no one is perfect, everyone makes mistakes and as long as the unfaithful spouse takes responsibility to change, marriages can mend.
- You won’t forget, but forgiveness is a gift you give yourself
When there has been infidelity, people don’t just forget about it. In fact, they don’t ever forget it. What does happen is that memories of the discovery and the pain tend to fade. The thoughts about betrayal become less frequent and less intense over time. And the good news is that people should NOT forget because we all learn from these experiences, both good and bad.
And although people don’t forget betrayal or affairs, forgiveness is still mandatory, not to let the unfaithful person off the hook, but because holding a grudge shackles people to the past. It is bad for one’s health, both emotionally and physically. There is no intimacy when there are grudges. Life is painful because there is a wall separating people. When betrayed spouses allow themselves to have feelings of forgiveness, life lightens up. It is freeing. Love begins to flow again. Letting go of the past begins to make room for happiness in the present. So, forgiveness isn’t meant for the unfaithful, it is a gift betrayed spouses give themselves.
An important aspect of our work is that we begin to unravel what was going on in the relationship prior to the indiscretion. This occurs once the couple has received the support they need while in trauma mode, directly after the affair has been revealed.
I work with couples and individual adults in my private practice around the issues of communication, developing stronger bonds, sex therapy, affair recovery, and contemplation of separation and/or divorce, etc. My clients make progress! Find Your Strengths at KelleyHopkinsAlvarez.com. Let’s continue the “conversation”, text 203-948-0938 or email me @ email@example.com to discuss your challenges.
Thank you so much for reading my blog.
Kelley Hopkins-Alvarez, Licensed Professional Counselor, NCC, BCC
Address: 100B Danbury Road, Suite #201D (2nd floor) Ridgefield, CT 06877 (Building B is behind Union Savings Bank)